I just looked at the last time I updated this thing and I am ashamed to have left it so long.
There are a number of you (150 odd I believe) who look forward to the next episode in the life of BRIAN no matter how boring it might be.
Depression is a strange creature. There is absolutely no reason for it as far as I'm concerned. I have the great gift of new lungs. That's a very trite way of saying I'd be dead now if it wasn't for some wonderful person out there making a decision which he or she never thought they'd have to make, or more specifically, their loved ones would have to make. Yet I read of a young 17 year old being bashed for whatever reason to a point where he is on life support and may well have the same opportunity that my donor and family had and it makes me wonder what life is really all about.
Here I am with a whole team of wonderful people constantly making sure that I have the very best chance at life and yet someone out there could lose his life for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time or asking the wrong question of the wrong person or maybe just having a drink or two too many as we all have done and suddenly and sadly he will never be the same person he was before, if he survives, or worse, and it is worse, his family and friends will have to face a set of circumstances they'd never thought possible at such a tender young age.
The only possible good thing that can come out of this, apart from a complete recovery, and miracles do happen, is that he had the foresight to be an organ donor and that his family supports this. Because it is probably, and I don't know what the real circumstances are, such a situation, that has resulted in my being alive today.
These cases cause me to think deeply about my position and I do get depressed. "Selfish bastard" I say to myself. How dare I feel anything but gratitude for the chance I have and the new opportunity I have been given to do something worthwhile with the rest of my life. There is no logical reason to be anything but happy. There is absolutely not one single reason to feel depressed. And yet I do. And I don't know why.
We had a great holiday at Port Douglas. The weather wasn't too hot and we went to all the touristy places as we usually do. Saw only one tiny baby crocodile on our Daintree River cruise which is less than usual but it's the wrong time of the year. Too warm. Ate too much and probably drank too much but put on a few kilos without doing too much other damage.
Janyne's been ill since we got back with an ear infection and I'm hoping it clears up soon. She is really quite amazing and hardly ever gets sick but this has really knocked her about. We're hoping the antibiotics kick in soon and she starts to feel better.
The next few weeks involve reflux tests, bronchoscopies, hip check-ups and the usual clinics. I have to do some work on the Lung Transplant Association as we now have over 30 responses so that should keep me busy. Also the water feature (remember the 10th anniversary gift) is ready for delivery so I need to finalise arrangements with Prince Charles Hospital as to its location and delivery times.
So I have plenty to keep me busy and that should get me into a more positive frame of mind. We're still looking at buying a new puppy and as soon as we see one we like, we have second thoughts. Some day.
So it's off to bed for now. Talk again soon. Take care.
Ben
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Hey Ben: Your blog shook me up a bit. I, too, have been thinking about your donor. Wondering who it was and whether or not you have any knowledge of the person and/or family members. I have also been thinking alot about your "medical journey" since you emailed the details of it. I have not properly responded to it, partly due to my own medical journey & partly because I need to read it again & absorb it. When I was faced with the prospect of lung transplant, I kept coming up with the same likely answer: I probably would not do it. All the while, I would think about you and your courage, and then feel like such a coward. To some degree, I do understand your feelings of depression though I'm certain there are many aspects that I cannot even come close to understanding. I've struggled the last few days with wrapping my mind around what has happened to me. I dangle somewhere between some level of delusion or denial and complete and utter fear about what's going on. I'm puzzled about why I don't seem able to feel on some emotional level about things. You continue to be an inspiration to me, and I'm sure many others.
I'll email with you more tomorrow; time for bed now - I'm very, very tired.
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