Go get em' Tiger!
I remember getting the phone call from Mum that afternoon. I was at work, just about to finish up for the day. As Jax said earlier, Mum had a tendency to start off a conversation or message and sound as though something was wrong, probably due to being on edge at that time! When I answered the phone I knew this call was different, I knew from the panic in her voice that it was either ‘the call’ we’d all been waiting for or something else was drastically wrong. Fortunately it was ‘the call’.
That situation panned out totally different then I had rehearsed it. Because I lived and worked closest to Mum and Dad, I knew I’d be involved in the process somehow. I’d prepared myself for it since Dad got on the transplant list. I knew Mum would be a wreck, all panicky and I’d man-up and be the rock, the cool calm collected guy that had everything under control; much like Dad would have been. I even decided not to drink over Easter so that I could drive, just in case we got that call. When the call came though, it was a different story.
I’d had a cold that week and since I didn’t want to infect Dad, hadn’t been over to see him in a couple of days. When I got the call from Mum, I still had the cold which meant no going along to the hospital for me. That was a hard thing to deal with. I knew that the transplant would be successful but in the case it wasn’t, well Dad would die and I wouldn’t have been there beforehand to say goodbye. The solution was simple though, Dad just wasn’t allowed to die. I’m still amazed at how calm you sounded on the phone the last time I spoke to you pre-transplant.
So here we are a year on and as you know Dad didn’t die, the transplant was successful and even though we’ve had ups and downs (just a few), it’s been amazing to see my Dad back again. Not the sick Dad, who each time I saw him, kept deteriorating; the new Dad, the one with the second chance who everyday I saw post transplant (I wasn’t only there for the hot dinners!) was getting better! To see that ‘life’ back inside of him is overwhelming. I never knew you could feel so much for someone.
I’d never lost anything I was close to in my life before. I didn’t understand ‘death’; I didn’t want to understand it. I didn’t want anything to happen to those around me I loved. The night we had to put Selby down though, I knew what ‘losing’ something/someone meant. The emotional effect it had on me I’ll never forget.
It’s interesting to read over everyone’s comments; especially Jacqui’s who commented on me being so ‘strong’. I recall seeing Dad in ICU for the first time. Dad’s condition, the state he was in, all the machines he was hooked up to, and none of it bothered me. It was inspirational; it meant that he had had the transplant and all would be ok. These machines were breathing ‘life’ into him and once he was well enough to take over, he’d do that job himself. He’s strong. He’s an amazingly strong man and I knew that. I made it my mission to find out everything that was going on, to understand what the machines were, what they did, what drugs he was on, everything! It was my way of trying to stay ‘in control’, to be strong. When Selby died, I think it changed me. I lost my ‘cockiness’. I understood you just can’t do it all yourself, it’s ok to breakdown or ask for help from others.
I remember when they were weaning Dad off the sedatives trying to wake him up. Before that he’d have his eyes open but it was clear he didn’t really now what was going on. This time he woke up and was ‘freaking out’ (for lack of a better term). I remember how he looked at me, like a man who was really struggling and asking for ‘help’. It turned out he didn’t realise he had had the transplant; he thought he was in hospital, that something was wrong and he was dying. That afternoon I gave him a little pep talk. I’m not sure if you remember it Dad but I quite sternly told you that you had to hold on, that this was the hard part but you’re a fighter and you can make it through! It was strange being in that position, usually it was on the other foot with Dad guiding me.
I’m rambling now but what I’m trying to say is that this past year, everything that’s happened has really helped me grow up.
We couldn’t have gotten through this without such a strong, close, family. We’ve got an incredible bond that can’t be broken. No matter what’s happened, we’re there for each other. I can’t appreciate this fact enough and I’m certainly not lost on just how important family is.
Mum, you’re an absolutely amazing woman! I hope you understand we all appreciate you more than words can describe, even if we don’t say it as often as we should. Haha, we know Dad isn’t the easiest person to deal with (at times) and you’ve been there for him this whole time, no matter what. It’s an example to me of what two people in love do for each other. Hopefully soon you and Dad will be able to properly enjoy life, to do the things you want to do and have some fun together!
Jax, Mel & Jay, I don’t know how you put up with such a little smart arse for so long! Not that I’ve stopped, I’ve just maybe dulled it down a little bit. To you guys especially, thanks for being there. Jax, I’m so proud of you and what you’ve achieved. You’re so thoughtful, so-friggen-organised and I know you’ll find success in whatever you do (p.s. Andrew’s ok too!). Mel, you strike me as such a strong woman – moving to Melbourne and being away from Mum (who you’re incredibly close to) to follow your dreams has been an inspiration. You’re always up here as soon as we need you! Jay, thanks for being the older brother. You don’t take my crap – even if I didn’t realize it was ‘crap’ at the time. I’m so happy for you that you’ve met Kym, fallen in love and the two of you are getting married! Can’t wait for Las Vegas.
Dad, do you remember you always use to call me ‘Tiger’ when I was young?
I’ve said it a number of times to you in the past twelve months but I don’t know what I would have done without you here. You’re always there with good advice, making me realise that things really aren’t as bad as they seem. In life’s journey I’ve been thinking about you a lot, what you would do or what you’ve been through and it helps me defeat/overcome my obstacles. I’m not there yet, I’ve got a long way to go, so much yet to do and achieve but you can rest assured I’m on the right path.
So now as you’re facing some hard times, trying to get back on the wellness path, just know I’m here for some good advice too – “Go get em Tiger!”
I love you.
Paul.
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